REVIEW: Red, White and oh-so-royally raunchy!

A bratty ‘spare’ heir to the British throne and his famous American lover, their torrid tale beamed to the world by a streaming giant.

No, not them! And it’s not Netflix this time, either.

This wayward Prince of England is called Prince Henry (wink wink), played by Nicholas Galitzine. And his sweetheart is the rogue son of the US President, Alex Claremont-Diaz (Taylor Zakhar Perez).

Their story, though preposterously familiar, is fictional: a soppy, steamy gay romance brought to the big screen by Amazon Prime and released this week.

Red, White and Royal Blue was adapted from the sleeper-hit novel by the same title.

In 2019, first-time author Casey McQuiston catapulted from unknown 20-something to overnight sensation, as her raucous royal romance went viral on TikTok, sold over 100,000 copies in mere months and clinched a spot on the New York Times best-seller list.

Her story explores the relationship between the world’s two most eligible bachelors.

A bratty ‘spare’ heir to the British throne and his famous American lover, their torrid tale beamed to the world by a streaming giant. No, not them! And it’s not Netflix this time, either.

This wayward Prince of England is called Prince Henry (wink wink), played by Nicholas Galitzine (right). And his sweetheart is the rogue son of the US President, Alex Claremont-Diaz (Taylor Zakhar Perez, left).

Naturally, the pair hate each other, squabbling at the royal wedding of Henry’s uptight older brother and heir to the throne called… Prince Philip!

Their argument sparks a PR-disaster as they smash a $75,000 cake and end up splashed across front pages. And so, fearing a transatlantic relations meltdown, the pair are forced to spend time together, putting on a public show of unity.

And, guess what, this act soon sees rivalry bloom into something very racy – and not a little unexpected, for Alex at least, who hadn’t yet realized he’s also into guys.

The ensuing raunchy sex scenes – of which there are many – have been hailed as ‘radical’ and brave because of how ‘realistic’ they are.

But the only thing radical about this movie is how laughably serious director Matthew López has been taking himself over a film that – let’s be honest – is campy, good fun, but undoubtedly low-rent.

López gushed in an interview about how he refused to ‘shy away’ from the sex scenes: ‘I really wanted to show something that I hadn’t seen much of in mainstream movie making, which is sex between two men that is loving and connected, and that is emotionally resonant. It was going to be true and accurate to the way that two men have sex together.’

Emotionally resonant or not, there’s no denying that what he’s created is seriously saucy.

The breathiness, sweatiness, the carefully cropped camera angles.

I regularly found myself wincing, flashing back to my teenage years, sat next to my Catholic grandmother watching a very-too-long sex scene, trying not to make eye contact.

Warning: do not watch this film with your grandmother.

But while the non-stop bonking of a young couple in the first flush of love may be realistic, the acting sadly is not.

There’s lots of chatter in the film about how ‘charismatic’ the leading couple are.

The raunchy sex scenes – of which there are many – have been hailed as ‘radical’ and brave because of how ‘realistic’ they are. And there’s no denying it’s seriously saucy. The breathiness, sweatiness, the carefully cropped camera angles.

Is charismatic the new Gen-Z slang for offensively good-looking but a little bit dull? Because, while Henry and Alex are both undeniably hunky, their acting is about as stiff as their bedroom antics.

Then again, I suppose acting ability doesn’t matter much when you’re built like a linebacker with a face like a J. Crew model.

But it’s not just them – even the big talent falls short.

Biggest disappointment is US President Claremont, played by Uma Thurman – the movie’s only major star – whose parodic Texan drawl is as woeful as it is borderline offensive.

British actor lk21 Stephen Fry’s cameo as King of England, however, brings welcome comic relief. Not least because of how stupendously bizarre it is see a gay actor playing a homophobic baddie, who is unsupportive of the couple and the ‘rainbow mafia’.

Certainly, the bad-acting sins of a lightweight rom-com can be largely overlooked when the writing is good. And this script is indeed sharp.

In one laugh-out-loud moment, Prince Henry is found hiding in his underwear in Alex’s hotel-room wardrobe by an aide.

‘We are in a hotel crawling with reporters,’ the aide snaps. ‘If anyone sees you leave this hotel, I’ll Brexit your head from your body… your Royal Highness.’

Intentional or not, the alarming similarities to a certain Montecito couple also become increasingly hilarious.

I couldn’t help but cackle when Prince Henry is dubbed ‘the Prince of England’s hearts’.

I wonder: is his affected style, head titled shyly, staring ahead wide-eyed, also taken from the Princess Diana playbook – or is it just more bad acting?

But while the non-stop bonking of a young couple in the first flush of love may be realistic, the acting sadly is not. Biggest disappointment is US President Claremont, played by Uma Thurman (pictured) – the movie’s only major star – whose parodic Texan drawl is as woeful as it is borderline offensive.

Intentional or not, the alarming similarities to a certain Montecito couple become increasingly hilarious. I couldn’t help but cackle when Prince Henry is dubbed ‘the Prince of England’s hearts’.

While we’re at it, there’s also something oddly recognizable about loose-cannon First Son Alex, who’s always getting drunk, causing chaos and having the mess covered up by his mom and her staffers.

A pain-in-the-neck son of a president who has a proclivity for partying? Wink wink, indeed.

Asked about similarities with the Windsors, director Lopez said: ‘[Prince] Harry, especially being this kind of rogue amongst these very uptight, duty-bound royals, is maybe a comparison people will make… But, to be honest, I feel like Henry [is more like] William [Prince of Wales] in some sense. For a large part of the story, duty comes first.’

As we all know by now, dutiful isn’t in Prince Harry’s vocabulary, so perhaps the comparisons aren’t warranted after all.

Plagued with bad acting though this film may be, Red, White and Royal Blue is ultimately a charming, sexy, feel good rom-com.

And we can forgive all the terrible Texan accents and silly Sussex parallels, if only to see these two oh-so-toned chaps with their tops off.